TRACY CRUZ
Born and raised in the Philippines, I pursued my dream of living in New York City at 23 years old. I left everything behind me and had no intentions of coming back. I needed to change my environment to discipline myself, having been blessed with the sheltered and comfortable life in the Philippines. Too much of a good thing distracts us from the silence that we need to connect with ourselves. By stepping out of my comfort zone, I learned to rely on myself.
Ironically, it was also in the City that I love that I lost myself. I drowned in the sorrow of loneliness, vulnerability, and desperation of knowing myself. I wandered without a sense of direction and indulged in worldly things. I became shallow and superficial. I forgot the core of who I am. However, by swimming in this sea of confusion and exploration, I learned how to survive. Unfazed by the fast and unpredictable life, I became resilient.
As God has fated it, my much awaited Green Card visa got denied. I faced the dilemma of deciding to stay illegally in a foreign land that I identified with or leaving and returning to my abandoned homeland. Coming back home was a tougher decision than leaving because it was a jump to nothingness. There was no turning back. At 31 years old, I decided to face my fear of starting again by mustering the courage to move back to the Philippines. I chose to be brave.
So I began to rebuilt my life where my journey began. Here, I battled loneliness, having also come out of a failed romantic relationship. I turned to alcohol to escape from the emptiness and to numb the pain. It took a car accident when I drove home drunk to wake me up from self destruction. I decided to face my demons head on by abstaining from this vice for almost two years. I felt everything and I knew that they were real. My decision making became precise and certain. From this pain came clarity of the heart and the mind. I resigned from a corporate job and served full time in Non-Government Organizations. I found myself by losing myself in public service. I accepted my darkness and slowly worked on healing the wounds from my past. I forgave myself first before forgiving others.
I worked on accepting and loving myself above all. I sourced my strength from God and leaned on Him. It took years for me to boost my self esteem by pursuing my passions and living a purposeful life. By empathizing with and serving the forgotten, unloved, and the lost, I became whole. I understood how it felt like to be alone. Then I realized that there is power in embracing solitude because you learn to value yourself. I discovered my worth. I finally found the love that I have been desperately looking for from others by searching from within. I was able to love.
Now in my 40s, the temptations to return to old habits and destructive patterns are everywhere. It is the hardest to say no when I can easily fall into sins. It is easier to be my old reckless self than exerting the effort to embrace the new me. The familiar feelings which failed before felt like traps. The initial reaction was to give in but then I realized that what used to give me temporary comfort was useless because I needed something eternal. The years spent investing in self love and realizing my worth paid off. I prioritized my needs above my wants. It is the in between where we are molded and tested. Will you choose to be who you used to be or will you choose to rise above yourself and follow God? I strengthened my conviction to change.
As I turn 48 soon this month, I am still a vulnerable work in progress. I fall. I cry. I feel. I own up to the highs and the lows. I embrace being human. What keeps me going are the values of hope, love and faith. In spite of the setbacks, I eventually get back up and remain open to change. I keep my heart open, despite the risks. Even if it is scary, I choose to trust myself, armed by the love and protection of God. Our moral compass points us to the right direction, guided by His light and love. As we gamble in the game of life, let us choose to take the high road to transformation, even if it is treacherous and full of twists and turns. The peace that comes from earning an intelligent heart is priceless. God’s golden reward in the end should be worth it!