The Landscape of Autumn

The pandemic has kept us inside our homes. For the last 6 months, seniors like me, ‘endangered species’ that we are, have stayed locked up. We are afraid that we will catch the virus or unknowingly pass the virus on, not aware that we are ‘asymptomatic.’ Fearful of how this virus might actually lead us to our deathbed unprepared, we have stuck it out. We have resolved to give our best-ever shot at prolonging the wait if need be.

Coronavirus has kept us in fear and has, in fact, caused us to stare at imminent death point-blank. Before this, when the world was madly rushing forward, death seemed so remote. Even at 66, it was ‘not yet our time’ unless we contracted a serious encounter. But none of that stands today! Death, the eerie thought knocks! And what’s worse, the sound of it today is so clear.

When autumn comes

And so, Autumn is suddenly, vividly upon us! Its orange hues are so bright and glaring as the sunset. The fall of leaves takes a slow motion as if to dramatize the end. And so daily, I am in thought: First about, WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE? I searched for years from toddler play to my make-believe exchanges with my grandchildren. Have I been good? Or at least tried? What if God asks me how? How have I chosen to spend my years? Have I lived enough? Am I ready to die?

Then, what forces through is, HAVE I LOVED ENOUGH? I recall the end verse of the popular church song we used to sing at guitar mass during our youth:  “In the evening of my life, I will look to the sunset. At that moment in my life, when the night is due. And the QUESTION I will ask, ONLY I CAN ANSWER – WAS I BRAVE AND STRONG AND TRUE? DID I FILL THE WORLD WITH LOVE MY WHOLE LIFE THROUGH?”

And then, in an instant, familiar faces flash. Our help, Manang, and my granddaughter’s caregiver, Nette, come to my mind. This is followed by our village caretaker, our neighbor’s driver, and the guy who delivers our vegetables. Did I take the time to notice them?  Or even smile? Did I speak with care?

Finally, it’s God’s face in the picture! WHO AM I IN YOUR LIFE? DO YOU KNOW ME? I struggle to recall and answer,
“Yes, we just finished our family rosary. And I was at Mass this noontime. Don’t you remember?

AUTUMN BRINGS US TO OUR KNEES. We plead with God for greater strength, more opportunities to love, and more time to be better!

Recently, I was privileged to attend Sunday mass via Zoom media. The presider was a Benedictine monk-friend now based in Rome. He spoke about ‘the autumn of our lives’ and about “praying our goodbyes” from the book of Joyce Rupp.

What a wonderful thought, to surrender to the Almighty WHOLEHEARTEDLY when He bids us come! “…” that I may praise Thee with Thy saints, FOREVER!” as another song ends.