BET YAP LAZATIN
I wore a white dress that day
I cried and wailed
I did not want to let her go
I found myself the day after
Alone and afraid, confused
Wondering where to go from there
What to do
How to survive the rest of my life without her.
The love of my life.
My lifeline.
Then, my everything.
I was but 18, after all.
She left me so suddenly.
I have never been more painfully surprised.
But I only had two choices,
Fall apart completely and join her six feet under
Or fight and keep fighting
With all the strength and resolve I did not even realize I had in me
Cause she had taught me well.
I had watched her overcome
Hurdle after hurdle
And always emerged stronger.
And so, life lesson number one,
You are stronger than you think
You can do this.
Just remember to call on HIM.
But I found myself still needing to fill the huge gaping hole she left in my heart.
That’s when I first borrowed.
Borrowed someone else’s love.
Someone else’s mother.
Her name was Cris.
She was my first grief counselor, or so that’s what I call her, even if she was an O.B gyn
She, like my mother, was a great survivor.
Strong. Kind. Filled with so much love and compassion for everyone.
She loved life.
And for 93 years, life loved her back abundantly well.
She, too, has quietly moved into the night.
Thankfully, peacefully in her sleep.
Life lesson no. 2. Which she taught me very early on
Sometimes, God has three answers.
One is yes.
The other is no,
Sometimes, it’s wait.
And so I did.
Borrowed mother no. 1
As human beings, we can sometimes be selfish.
So, I simultaneously borrowed someone else’s mother.
Her name was Digas.
The woman with the most infectious laughter.
Come to think of it, I feel like I have never seen her wear a sad face.
She just smiled and cherished her way through everything life threw on her path.
She was what we call just a bundle of joy.
The person you want to run to when you forget to be grateful because she will always remind you that despite whatever you are going through, life is still good
And you must always count your blessings.
Life lessons, plural.
1. As a woman, always earn your own money
2. Never mortgage the house you live in for a business venture
3. Learn to live within your means
4. “Pero tipirin mo na lahat huwag lang ang pagkain” (but be frugal on everything except food)
I said goodbye to her last Tuesday. The only one among the three I was able to say goodbye to. Buried my head against her pillow as I let my quiet sob out and my deep, deep heartache rest against her head as secretly as I could, though apparently unsuccessfully.
But you know what she whispered to me?
Do not cry.
I am okay.
I am strong.
Three mothers. One I came out of. Two that I borrowed without permission. None of whom I have any intention to return
Their memories are mine to keep forever.
Perfect, unconditional love and dedicated motherhood. That’s what they all had in common. That was the most significant life lesson they all shared with me. They all loved their children in the deepest possible way, with all their heart and soul. With everything they had. With every beat of their hearts. No love was ever withheld, even for a moment. It was constantly, tenderly, unequivocally given every passing moment, 24/7. The life lesson I diligently practice now that I am a mother myself.
I give my son my love like there is no tomorrow.
I give love every moment because I never find any reason to wait.
Hesitation is not a word I know.
These three incredible women taught me that a mother’s true love is not based on any condition or circumstance.
It just is.
All the time.
As they say, you reap what you sow. That is why they, too, were loved tremendously, not just by their children but by so many others who ever crossed paths with them. And when they left, many wept. Many hearts were broken. Tears flowed. And they will always be remembered with a mix of pain and joy because of the beautiful memories they have left behind.
Tita Digs, you are so loved, and we will all miss you terribly. But like the first two who left before you, heaven is waiting. We are unselfishly letting you go to a place where you truly belong. A place of complete peace in the arms of the Father you have always praised and loved, lovingly welcoming you home. Heaven will indeed be filled with more joy and laughter with your presence.
Like I said that day, I love you, my dearest Tita Digs. And thank you for lending yourself to me all these years, like my mother, guiding me through my adult life.
Now, I have had to say goodbye to all 3 of you. I am sad and lonely to think of it this way. But…..
1. I know I am stronger than I think.
2. I have more than enough love,
3. I have learned to be grateful and patiently wait for God’s answers to my prayers
4. I am a good mother,
5. I will not mortgage the house I live in,
6. lastly, I will eat all the best food my money can buy!!!
So we are good after all! Thank you to all of you! Indeed, you have all taught me well!